It's the first day of preschool a father drops his daughter off, she cries hysterically.
A child is asked to wait ten minutes to eat a cookie, and if they can wait, they can have two cookies. The child started to draw a square around the cookie.
A teenage girl is being offered a drink at her first party, she declines the offer.
What do these situations have in common? They are the beginning of a lifetime of learning how to self-regulate. Psychologist, Walter Mischel studied self-regulation,and he teaches us that we are able to control who we are as people and how we react. In addition, Mischel does not believe in labels--he believes that a person's behavior is bast predicted from the understanding of who that person is, the current situation and the interactions between them. Mischel teaches Self-Regulation strategies so that people can understand how to delay gratification and to be the kind of person one would like to be. In this post, we will learn about some of these strategies.
Priming
A child who is crying because it's her first day of preschool needs to be Primed; this is the first strategy in self-regulating. Priming is when a person is prepared for a future event in order to prevent the "whot system" from acting up (our limbic system, controlled by our emotions. In this way one is prepared for the anticipation of something when priming has been accomplished. This helps people to not be taken over by our emotions, like the little girl was when she was dropped off at preschool for the first time.The father primed his daughter for the second day of school by taking her to the school when no one was around, together they walked through the process: Where she would be dropped off, what her teacher looked like and what would happen in general. This action of priming set the young girl up so that she could be more successful the next time she was dropped off! Because she was prepared.
Reframing
The child drawing a square around their cookie is an example of Reframing. The second self-regulatory strategy. This is viewing a situation or stimulus in/from a different perspective, making the situation easier for the person to deal with.
This example I shared with the child drawing a square around their cookie happened in an experiment performed by Mischel. He found the drawn square around the cookie interesting and asked the child why they did this. The child told him "because I'm imagining that this is a picture of a cookie, and you can't eat a picture." The child was reframing his situation, so it was more bearable.
We do this when we give someone the "benefit of the doubt". Reframing is a wonderful strategy to stay away from our hot system and help us self-regulate. In an interview with Mischel he says two very important short lessons; the first: "The way you construe a stimulus determines how you respond to it emotionally and cognitively" (2014). Thus, we learn that we have the ability to change the way we see a situation. The second: "[We] engage in a whole set of strategies that allowed us to systematically test the mechanism that underlies the ability to use self control– to fundamentally cool the situation, to reduce the power of the marshmallow" (2014). He is saying That we can use coping skills, and distractions, as strategies to help our self-control and cool our hot system! We are not victims to our experiences, we can control how we feel and what happens to us.
Goals & rewards
Why do we think a teenager at their first party would decline a drink? I know there is not only one reason and many factors and beliefs could play into the reason behind why. A factor that plays into the above answer of "no" is because this girl has a goal and she knows there is a reward. Goals ad rewards help one self-regulate. The reasons may be obvious and when we keep these goals and rewards in mind, it gives us a clear picture of how our behaviors will affect our lives and who we are. When we have a clear idea of what that is and what we want, it is easier to move forward; this is why Mischel and a man named Julian Rotter understand that behaviors and personality is something we control. Rotter says "humans do not just behave to avoid punishment; rather, we are motivated to act by our life goals and our vision to maximize the rewards we would receive." Rotter believes that changing the environment the individual is in and changing his way of thinking would lead to a change in his behavior, and therefore his personality traits also change according to that specific situation. Who we are, how we act and even how we think is completely in our control. To me this is empowering! We are not victims! We can create the life we desire and be the people we want to be and become! I know, it is not easy to control our thoughts and thus our behaviors. But as we learn more about ourselves and start to use self-regulation strategies we take control of ourselves, our behaviors and largely what happens to us, and how we chose to act/react accordingly.
Social Support.
A human need is connection. When we feel we are loved, we feel accepted and when we feel accepted we develop a sense of belonging. These feelings are essential to a fulfilled life. When we feel like someone has our back we are more likely to self-regulate. We can use the support from people around us to help complete tasks. Even the simple task of talking. Having someone you are able to talk with you through whatever is keeping you in your hot system, really cools you down-- you can even talk your self through self-regulation or whoever is offering you social support can give you an alternative perspective to the situation allowing you to self-regulate. Mischel says, "Don’t be afraid to enlist help. Surround yourself with friends or family members who understand or share your weaknesses, who will encourage you to resist temptation and reinforce yourself-control mechanisms" (2015).
Benefit
Walter Mischel teaches us that self-regulation is a life long process. The sooner we learn these strategies and implement them, the more likely we are to live our best lives and be successful. We need to start by celebrating the small victories: "Pat yourself on the back for even the smallest triumphs of self-control" (2015). He also stresses the importance of sleep, exercise, and ridding yourself and your environment of harmful things! These will all help you to be strong enough to practice these strategies and control your hot and cool systems: “As one (system) becomes more active, the other becomes less active. The challenge is to know when it’s best to let the hot system guide your course, and when (and how)to get the cool system to wake up” (2015). Mischel says if we ever want change "never ring the bell".
References:
Mischel, W. (n.d). The master of self-control. Psychologist, 27(12), 942-944.
Shermer, M. (2015). Willpower and won't power: a review of The Marshmallow Test: Mastering Self-Control by Walter Mischel. Skeptic (Altadena, CA), (2), 58.
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